Movie Review: Anthology of Terror

Here we are again at another anthology. This one is led by a man know as The Archivist.

We start with a man with bloody bandages around his head, rocking back and forth, his mom watching him from the window lovingly. Two men show up and kill both of them. Solid start, right? One of the guys are like Dollar General versions of Tig and Chibbs from Sons of Anarchy.

The Tig guy is working on his car when someone stands on his hand. He rolls out only to get a hand over his face, which then pulls his face clean off. It's the guy with all the bandages, he's not dead after all. Chibbs finds him, but it's just his legs poking out from beneath the car. Bandages has propped the torso up on the other side of the garage and left Tig's head in the car. A fight ensues between Chibbs and Bandages, ending with Chibbs getting an ax to the head over and over and over.

The second story has a beaten wife, poisoning her husband's tea. When he starts choking on it, she forces it down his throat. She rolls his dead body down the stairs, into the basement and buries him right there. Years later, a young lady goes to visit her grandma and offers her some tea. Grandma is crazy. Between the grey dreadlock/braid/man-bun wig, hearing voices outside, and ordering her granddaughter to just leave the tea on the table because she doesn't want it... crazy. We come to realize that Grandma Rose is the beaten wife who poisoned her husband. The tea cup explodes behind her as screams echo around her. She takes a shotgun down in the basement and just sits in a rocking chair, staring at the pile of dirt that represents the shallow grave she buried her husband in. The light goes out and she's surrounded by breaking glass noises and laughing. Her husband comes up behind her, spewing dirt from his mouth. He bites a piece out of her cheek as the candle she was holding hits the ground, setting the ground ablaze. Her husband grabs her by the face and lifts until her head just pops off and then... I think he makes out with it. Ew. Double ew.

The third story finds a man in a gas mask - Lang. Lang reports to the people on the other side of his radio that Hawkins is dead. Lang goes to explore this building that he's in. He finds a dead guy and a room full of freezers. Lang has somehow ended up in a highly radioactive wellness center, forty miles off of whatever course he was supposed to be on for whatever reason. He stops to eat some beans from this building that, according to his radio friend, hasn't been touched in 50 years. It's amazing how in 50 years, the bodies aren't decomposed yet, still looking as fresh as ever. Lang hears something and finds a buzz saw just as it shuts off. He's walking down the hall and sees someone, there's a shrill scream and the person is gone. He goes back to the kitchen and the fridge makes a horrendous noise before throwing itself open and showing off its gory contents. The lights go completely off and we're left with just some crashing noises. The lights come back on and all the cabinets are open and GET OUT is written in blood on the wall. A body is hovering by the door and Lang shoots at it, but the bullets just bounce off and then the body disappears. Something flies toward Lang and knocks him out. When he wakes up, he tries to crawl to get his headset, but something grabs him and yanks him out of view.

Anthology of Terror is sort of like Cinnamon Plum tea. It's not bad, not good... just... eh.

Moral of this movie: Don't kill a nice woman and her nice, yet creepy, son, don't murder your husband even if he beats you, and don't get lost while you're just doing your job.

"Ain't nobody got time for your hotdoggin' bullshit." (Yeah, that was actually said.)