Movie Review: 3 Tunnels 2 Hell
3 Tunnels 2 Hell is indeed hellish to sit through. The fact that it made me enjoy my green tea is proof of that.
Amazon Synopsis states: A remote island in the Pacific Northwest is visited by a group of campers. But terror and violence erupts once they discover an old bunker and tunnel system on the island that contains something undisturbed for over 40 years. An investigation reveals the events on a US warship returning from a classified mission to Africa years earlier and the evil that was brought back and then buried on the island, forgotten. Until now...
Well... that already confuses me.
No one in this movie is convincing in any of this sporadic and quite honestly boring movie. There were a lot of people in this movie (11 campers in total) and not one of them were established enough that I gave two shakes of a rat's bum about them. The "scary" moments consisted of loud sounds and one moderately lit tunnel. Nothing is shown, even when it's supposed to be someone getting dragged into the tunnel. In one scene, there were two escaped convicts. You see one get dragged through the door of a weird bunker thing and the other's arm is ripped apart enough that whatever grabbed the first guy tore the cuff right off the second guy. And then the second guy is suddenly not there anymore.
Arnie (who only has a name because they said it a million times) takes a girl (who's name, according to Arnie, is bitch or whore) into the bunker to "do it". He says that they built it just in case the "Japs" attacked. I especially liked the part where she nonchalantly points out the bones covered in blood and he cuts her with the handcuffs from the devoured convicts. She leaves Arnie in the bunker and mocks his screams as he's supposedly torn to pieces. I say supposedly because before this everything is brightly lit, but right as Arnie is attacked, everything goes pitch black.
Rich girl Christine, who is the stereotypical bitchy character, goes off for a horseback ride after insulting the entire group of children that this "remote North Pacific island" is set up for. She's ripped off her horse, leaving nothing but her boot in the stirrup.
Two of the campers, who's names I don't remember, randomly "do it". This is no ordinary B-movie sex scene though. No. This is like a porn parody of Titanic, steamy hand-print on the window and everything. Here's the kicker though... they wake up in a stall. No windows. And then they leave in a huff because she doesn't want to get back together. No preamble about their relationship, but at least it covered the boob part of the B-movie criteria.
Bitch/whore starts getting sick, like Cabin Fever sick. Like guy from Titanic-porn-scene comes to tell her they're leaving and when he grabs her arm, half her forearm slides off.
Five of the campers go into the bunker to avoid a storm that ends as soon as it starts. Another couple that had no backstory decide to get fully naked and "do it" in this disgusting, moldy, drafty tunnel. Ew! Double checks for boobies.
Um... some old guy explains to two people I don't remember how a group of militants were sent to an African village where a virus was running rampant, they contracted it and it somehow made it to Serenity Island, where the bunker is. Um... still confused. But nearly as confused as when they showed the corpse of a horse down in the bunker and as they panned over it, I counted six legs. Did the ravenous-virus-infected devour Odin's horse???!!!
Oh, I totally forgot to mention... the ravenous-virus-infected peeps are decorated in one of three ways. One, "blood" smeared on their faces, teeth bared. Two, head-to-toe black. I mean jeans, hoodies, face masks, and reflective eye coverings. Three, one guy at the end who just looked like a chimney sweep because his face was blackened.
Moral of this movie: Um.......... green tea isn't that bad.
"One man's shit is another man's way of getting through the day." (Because you have such a difficult time on your remote forest getaway?)
"How is there no signal? This is America!"
"I guess we're not the only one's to come down here." (after second sex scene. Ha. Ha. Gross.)
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