Movie Review: 666: The Devil's Child

"666 The Devil's Child" is the story of two friends, a young woman and young man, who visit another young woman who they've met on the internet. Once they arrive at the woman's remote house unexplainable things begin to happen, and the woman who owns the house is anything but what they expect." - Fubot Pictures

Nowhere in the description of this movie on Amazon Prime (on Xbox 360) did it mention that "Octomom" Nadya Suleman was in this movie.

It's shot as a documentary type movie. Um.... what else can I say. The camera jumps made me anxious, but I got through it with my Ginger Peach tea and brown sugar oatmeal. As confused as I was, it did not compare to 3 Tunnels 2 Hell.

I can honestly say that Ms. Suleman was not the only bad actor in this movie. Vanessa (Suleman) is working on a film about events of unexplained happenstance or something like that. Her friend Brad and she go to meet this woman named Jessica they met online at her family's house, that supposedly has a very deep Native American history. Jessica is so annoying. All three of them are so annoying. So annoying. Every line that Vanessa says seems snippy and cut-off. It sounds like she's being interviewed and she hates everyone.

Vanessa wakes up with two weird bites on her stomach. After making out with Jessica in the Jacuzzi, Brad jumps into the pool (cannonball style) and comes up with blood on his head. Vanessa finds the gold statue with the nice ta-tas and finds it to be suddenly pregnant when it wasn't before. Jessica and Brad keep making out. They keep playing drinking games, where we find out that Jessica has had an orgy and had sex on a roller coaster. How? Why? Again, why? Vanessa keeps filming herself sleeping. Which is weird. Brad takes the camera and films him and Jessica nearly having sex (I say nearly because we only see their feet), then returns the camera on the still-sleeping Vanessa.

Reviewing the footage of herself sleeping, Vanessa sees an old woman hovering over her. Brad of course says that her camera freaked out and continues to flirt and make out with scantily clad Jessica. Vanessa rummages through Jessica's room, finds nothing. She does some online searching and finds out that the land was in fact the sight of a horrible massacre.

Vanessa continues to film herself sleeping, old lady still hovering. Jessica is basically sexing Brad to death. Vanessa randomly searches the term succubus. I know what a succubus is because demons and the supernatural have always interested, but she had no reason to search that term. Does she think Jessica is a succubus?

Vanessa's bites get worse and worse until it starts to look like she got some buckshot in her stomach. Brad reviews the footage of that night (of Vanessa sleeping) and finds her convulsing and the old lady. He thinks she doctored the footage and goes looking for Jessica. Vanessa tells Brad she wants to leave, but he just keeps doing it with Jessica and soon his energy is depleted again.

Vanessa tries to get Brad to leave, but he's too tired and she ends up hiding from Jessica next to the bed, which doesn't logistically make sense.

Oh, side boob. Half a check on the criteria list. I should really write those down one day.

More drinks (some martinis with your pasta dinner anyone?), more Jessica/Brad sex, more Vanessa acting like she's trapped.

Vanessa hides the camera in Jessica's room where of course they have sex. Jessica finds the camera and all of a sudden becomes some weird zombie-looking lady. Vanessa decides to make a run for it (with the miraculous reappearance of the car keys), but the car doesn't start, which leads to the screeching voice of Vanessa to unconscious Brad in the back. Jessica appears in the rear-view mirror (also logistically impossible) and rips Vanessa from the car. We see Brad get dragged out of the car and are left looking at Vanessa as she wakes up and crawls toward the camera. She takes the time and energy to take the camera back into the house to find Brad (I'm assuming). Her voice is like a very old Shitzu, you know all gravely yet still yappy and annoying.

Jessica rips Brad's abdomen apart, but he's alive long enough to look at his own intestines. Jessica tells the camera that she only needed Brad for one thing, but she needed Vanessa for another and that she'd see her in another life. The movie ends with Vanessa at Brad's grave. She's crying and apologizing. She stands up, turns to the camera and BOOM!!!! She's pregnant.

Moral of this movie: For the love of all Lifetime movies, do not go to someone's house when a) you met them online and b) their selling point was that their house was on a sight of a horrible massacre.

"What do you like about Brad?" "I like his virility." (WHHHHAAAATTTT?)