Movie Review: Blood Widow

I've been waiting like ten movies for Blood Widow to come up for its turn and now it's here. I sat down with my massive plate of spaghetti and Cherry Coke Zero.

10 minutes in... not impressed.

A couple - Hugh and Laurie - move into a house. Ha. Ha. Hugh Laurie. Ha. There's a creepy house next door. Husband invites friends without telling wife. Friends decide to go trespass on the neighbors' property. Just because the garden is a bit overrun doesn't mean you should go breaking windows, dude. At this point, no one shall live.

Husband invited a lot of people without telling wifey. One of the friends drops a tab of acid and decides to go to creepy house with Kenneth, guy she's crushing on. She gives him a tab of acid and goes to get her stuff. When she sees him making out with another girl, she sets off toward the house alone. Somehow, acid trip and all, she remembered to bring a flashlight. Lot of good it did her. She sobered up really fast when she got a knife in the stomach. The irony came when she was bludgeoned to death with her Buddha statuette.

The power goes out and the party comes to a momentary halt. Hugh, the husband, goes and fixes the issue, just in time for two party-goers to get their heads chopped off. Laurie and Hugh (I'm ordering them that way so I don't giggle) get into a big fight, but it gets interrupted by Kenneth telling them they can't find Harmony (acid-trip girl). They go looking for her in the creepy house. Laurie finds a journal and a picture of a man and a girl, the man's face is scratched off. Laurie calls her realtor and asked about the house next door. The realtor tells her that they didn't want to tell them for fear of the value of the house going down, but the woman living there is suspected of killing someone. Yeah, no, you probably should have mentioned that.

While Laurie reads the journals, Amber is killed right in front of Mark. The phone line is cut. The Blood Widow flips the three cars outside. She flips the cars! Is she Superman??? For some reason, the couple have a Home Depot-sized stash of boards and tools inside their home and set about boarding up the house. Blood Widow kills the lights. "The only way he could cut the power, is if..." Oh, shitake mushrooms! She's already inside. Hugh gets knocked out trying to check the basement out. Kenneth nearly gets stabbed in the head, but runs upstairs where Laurie and Mark are hiding. Mark and Kenneth decide to lower Laurie out the window, but, because she's a frakkin' ninja, Blood Widow is hanging on the side of the house and chops Mark's arms off, dropping Laurie eight feet. Kenneth tries to wake Hugh up.

Laurie wakes up ties to the ceiling in a basement - presumably next door. You'd think she was chopping her legs off the way she screamed when she cut her pants away. I sort of started to hyperventilate with Laurie as Blood Widow dangled a flogger in her face. It was no ordinary flogger though, no. There were hooks on the end of each fringe on this beast.

Hugh wakes up and cleans himself up. Oh, yeah, where's Mark and Laurie? Kenneth tells him that they're both dead. Surprisingly, Hugh shows some cojones and actually emotion toward Laurie, wanting to go find her immediately. A camera is hanging on the porch with pictures of Laurie tied up, gagged and crying. Hugh and Kenneth set out to the house next door. While they're there, the realtors stop by. And are both killed.

Armed with a crossbow and a hammer, Hugh and Kenneth continue their search. Blood Widow finds them, cuts Hugh's hand off and uses the flogger to rip his face off. Kenneth breaks his ankle trying to run away while screaming like a girl and is promptly stabbed to death. Laurie frees herself and manages to crawl underneath the house. A terrifying chase occurs. I actually jumped a few times and resorted to yelling at the screen like my mom used to. Laurie finally gets a chance to escape, but for reasons I will never understand, she wants to go kill the Blood Widow with Hugh's crossbow. Surprise, mother trucker, she just killed you.

I enjoyed Blood Widow. It was definitely a break from the normal shot-on-my-camcorder-with-my-buddies movies I've been checking out.

Moral of this movie: Don't trespass. It's not nice.