Movie Review: Blood Red Moon

Our second vampire movie in a month pale's in comparison (no pun intended) to Black Sabbath's tale of a family of vamps.

This movie lost me immediately as it uses the exact font as another - more widely-known - vampire movie. *cough* Twilight *cough*

The vampire in this movie is Victor. Victor is... average. Not like an average vampire, but an average person. He's just a weird guy who stares at people while they talk. He doesn't eat lunch and is the talk of all six people that go to this school.

The human girl in this movie is Megan Reese. An artist and loner, who lives with her single mother. When she tells her that she'd like to study with a friend after school, her mother checks her forehead for a fever. What Megan isn't telling her mom is that she's actually been called into after school detention. On purpose. Just to hang out with Victor.

Some drunk guy in a parking lot pees on someone's car and accuses them of stealing his. He's trying to get into his car when he's attacked by something. News hits town of the murder and it's being talked about as an animal attack. Um... sound familiar?

The "jock" in this movie probably weighs less than I do and looks like Screech. Victor finds Megan in the woods and tells her that sarcasm is a sign of anger. I've never once heard that. Ever. He literally just walks away and she acts as though he disappears. He just walked away. That bit made me laugh out loud. He reappeared later when something spooks Megan and she exclaims, "I think I peed!" He tells her that it was just a mountain lion or something and that he scared it off. He follows her home like a puppy and her mom ends up inviting him in. Later that night, he watches her sleep and tries to bite her. She thinks she dreamed it.

Megan invites Victor over to study, but he says they shouldn't even be friends. The words "emotional whiplash" are used.

Some guy gardening is killed.

Megan keeps getting visions of Victor and sees him sink his Chiclets-like teeth into the cheerleader Jenna. She accuses him of two-timing. He easily and without prompting reveals his true nature and she's totally cool with it. He explains that Jenna is just part of the "herd" he feeds off of. "Herd" being humans. Mosquitoes don't bite Victor so he tells her to stay close and that's apparently how they bond. He offers to take her up into a tree and she responds by saying she'll vomit in his mouth. He takes her further into the woods where they end like this.

He tells her the story of his turning. He was turned in the 70's at Woodstock by a girl named Amanda. Vampirism, according to this movie, is spread through "intimacy". Vampiric STD. Nice. She invites him over for dinner. They go for a walk afterward where they kiss. You know it's serious when the camera spins around them. Some serious feels there.

Farmer guy watches Jenna and her jock boyfriend about to get it on. Jenna feels someone watching them and jock-boyfriend gets the jack out of his trunk. Nothing's outside so he tries to continue with Jenna but she's over it. Someone who looks just like Victor appears and kills jock-boyfriend. Well, he actually punches through two planks of wood with jock-boyfriend's shirt over them.

The teacher lady turns out to be Amanda. She tells Megan that Victor didn't do it. Oh, and werewolves don't exist. Victor explains that the killer is becoming a "mega vampire" and soon he'll be acquiring special abilities. Megan's response to this is, "He'll be able to read my mind?" Where in the hell did you make that jump? He could fly, have lasers shoot out of his eyes, turn into a badger, x-ray vision... you automatically assume that special ability is reading minds?

Amanda is killed. Megan wants to go to the sheriff with Victor's alibi, but he refuses. He tells her that that's impossible because the sheriff is the killer. Dun dun duh!!!!

The sheriff finds Megan and for some reason his voice is all echoey. He ties her to a tree and says that he's so old that he remembers when there were mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. Somehow Victor manages to destroy the sheriff very easily, but is shot by the farmer who claims he's an alien. Victor dies.

Oh, wait. No, he's not dead. He shows up in her room and she tells him she wants to be with him for a long time. Not forever, no, but for a long time. They end up doing the dirty and end credits roll.

This movie was actually really funny as it blatantly spoofed Twilight. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but funny nonetheless.

Moral of this movie: Age and wisdom mean nothing in a fight when love is involved.

"If eyes had teeth, he'd be shredded."