Difficult Time

I haven't been posting much at all recently. I'm even working hard to catch up on my movie reviews. I have been finding it hard to do much of anything recently. Day by day at the moment seems to be more hour to hour. I haven't written anything, edited anything. When I pull out my notebook I simply just doodle in the margins now.

I used to have Queen Sarah's world as my escape hatch of sorts and I could just jump in whenever my world got too much for me to handle. I've found it to be impossible to escape this world as of late. I've entwined my world so tightly with hers that it's not much of an escape when I'm writing about her mom, who is by all accounts my mom as well. I have to write about her mom's crazy antics and she has to be angry with her mom, frustrated with her, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and never let her go. Never again.

In that same respect I'm having a very difficult time working on Rebel Swan as it follows Caden Rossi, who has been Pam Barker's guard since she was a toddler. In my current state of mind, Caden is devastated and I can't get him to come out of that long enough to be anything but another dark cloud on my psyche.

All of my escape routes, my avenues of rescuing myself from drowning in emotions and issues I've been running away from for 15 years have completely crumbled beneath me. I'm left her with no motivation, no drive, no spirit, no passion. I don't want to sing, or laugh, or write. All those things my mom encouraged me to do... I'm having a very hard time doing them all without her here.

I've decided something though. I've decided not to fall into a hole. I can't do that. That's what happened to her and I can't. I refuse to let depression darken my life. I'm going to fight it tooth and claw and I'll finish writing and I'll keep singing and I'll laugh, fully and openly again.

That's what she'd want for me.